Do you ever think about the things you have missed out on in your life? For instance, for me one major thing I missed out on was college. I went to cosmetology school. It’s like a job in a salon before you even have the license. No school Monday’s (most salons are closed Monday’s in these parts), a long day on Tuesday and Thursday, regular 8-5 day on Wednesday and Friday, then back at it Saturday morning until 2. There’s no dorm life and the girls you ‘work’ with those 5 days a week get very catty and you don’t want to see them outside of school if you don’t have to. I missed out on the whole ‘college experience’. No dorm life, where you meet some of your very best friends that you’ll have the rest of your life. No dorm parties. No skipping class because you just don’t have it in you to go that day. All that adventure of college life I will never get, ever. I regret my decision to not go to a 4 year college every day of my life.
There’s no going back, that I know, but it doesn’t make me think about it or miss it any less. And you can be sure I will encourage my boys very heavily that they attend a 4 year school and don’t make the mistake that I did.
Then there’s the 1 thing I’m missing out on that there is nothing I can do about, regardless of any decisions I have made. That 1 thing is having a daughter, a baby girl I can call my own, who I can dress up in pretty dresses and put bows in her hair whenever I feel like it.
Having a daughter is one thing I’ve always dreamed about. I’ve dreamed of going shopping with her. Of taking her for her first manicure and pedicure. Helping her find her prom dress and wedding gown. Sharing my love for Anne Of Green Gables and Laura Ingalls Wilder with her. Painting her nails. Braiding her hair. Teaching her how to cook and bake and can vegetables, how to pot pretty flowers and grow vegetables her in garden for her family. Watching girly movies with her – first Beauty and The Beast, then Sixteen Candles, then The Bridges of Madison County.
My dreams of my daughter and me together are endless. I have had to grieve for my daughter, the one I never had and never will have, because she is so real to me. Some days my heart breaks when I see other moms with their daughters, doing what I only dream, can only dream, of doing with mine. Even though I feel excitement for other’s who are pregnant with their daughters it is always followed quickly by that sharp pang of grief.
In a million bajillion gazillion years I would NEVER trade in one of my boys for a daughter, NEVER. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still ache for her and dream of her.
What have you missed out on in your life?
A heads up – I am going to be cohosting a Fall Swag Swap! I love these swaps, it’s such a great way to meet new bloggers and exchange fun gifts. More details will be coming in August so keep an eye out for those!